This morning on waking I sensed the dark clouds of depression were not present, I heard the birds singing first thing before a suicidal obsessive thought had a chance to spark its wee self into existence via chemical reaction in the brain and I smiled, today would be the first day of having a prick free brain, aye right !
The bastard prick of watery mush brain was not giving a fuck that it was fathers day, most times I wake be it night time of throughout the day I wake up with the recurrent thought that it would be better had I not woken up and passed away quietly in my sleep, the second instantaneous morning thought is that I don’t want live another day of the same shite going on in my head and ealing with it in the same manner every bastard day.
Contrary to popular belief I don’t like being high on medical cannabis every day, I don’t know how the cannabis chemically reacts in my brain to make every day life bearable, however it works on a short term basis and then the cannabis has to be taken again. I add to my treatment music and dance therapy throughout the day. Sadly There are times throughout every day that the brain wins and my only option is unconsciousness, like most of today or to take its advice. The time scale and viciousness of the thoughts behave like the Glasgow weather as does my coping mechanisms. This week i have missed out on visiting my sisters gaff , talking the grandkids out and a study group I really wanted to go to.
Today medical cannabis, Blasting music via earphones, dancing did not work but I had a good half hour with one of the grandkid which involved more dancing and singing before the dark clouds engulfed my brain thought process once again.
when I return to my walking reality of obsessive thoughts I have to start all over again, every bastard day or every bastard week or every bastard month or every bastard year since I was child. This means living with me can be demanding as well as highly amusing, however, without donna I would be long gone.
At the time of writing I feel ok, however this is prime time for peace and quiet, no drama of any kind and zero people.